The Battle For My Soul In The Dream World
“Noooo!” My 5-year-old mind screamed. “I don’t want to be here!” Yet there I was again. “Beezlebub” had just arrived in the pure white room of my mind. He threatened my life and was about to make his move. The battle began with him taking me into a very dark and frightening place full of blackness and hellish veins.
The Battle Begins
I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands, trying to block out the darkness, but it permeated everything. Whether I wanted to see it or not, it was there. There was no escape.
I didn’t know what to do, or how to get out of this dreadful place. I just kept my eyes closed, and mentally sent out a call for help. “Help me. Somebody please help me!” Then I heard a still small voice.
Where Is Your Focus?
“Think of something good,” it said.
“Something good?” I questioned. “What is good?” I asked myself. “Light,” my mind replied. Light….white light, bright light….light! So I focused my mind on light, and there, in the midst of all that horrible darkness, a face appeared.
It was round, like a Pacman face, but all white. It had two slits for eyes, a slit for a nose and one for the mouth. I opened my eyes, but I could still see the face in all the darkness. It smiled at me. So I smiled back and focused in on it.
And it expanded.
Face spread and took over every corner of the room that was my mind. The battle to save me was complete. I was safe…for the moment.
Now I can’t tell you how many times I had that exact dream before the shape of the battle changed. All I know is that it did shift. I think that in the beginning, the attack was not allowed to continue so that I recognized the safety in focusing on the light. Later, however, it did change a bit.
There was a point in which the later part of the dream shifted. “Face” would appear whenever I called for him. “Face” is all I knew to call him at that point. “Beezlebub” (see the previous post on this for the reference) would begin his reign of terror as soon as I left the first two dreamscapes and entered the room.
As soon as he made his declaration of his intention to kill me; he would do his expansion number and take over the room of my mind. I then had to focus on Face and call him, and he would come to my rescue every single time without fail. I would just focus on him – the being of Light that was my savior, and he would always appear.
As I was heading towards teenhood, there was a shift. The first shift occurred while in the room of my mind in the dream. “Face” would appear every time and rescue me immediately. However, there came a time when “Beezlebub” made his move again.
Witnessing The Struggle
There was something different in the dream this time. “Beezlebub” had come and made his usual threat on my life, and spread like a gelatinous mass across the landscape of my mind – the room.
As usual, I called “Face,” and when he did appear, we focused, and he began to expand and retake the room. But this time, “Beezlebub” didn’t surrender it. He fought back. You could visibly see the battle, like the fingers of two hands interlocked and trying to push each other off the “page of my mind,” or the rooms of the walls.
There was a battle happening. “How could I help “Face”?” I wondered. I decided to focus my mind and energy on “Face” as much as I could to give him more power. It worked. He took over, returned my room to its pure white condition, and I was relaxed and peaceful for a while. But it didn’t last.
A while later, “Beezle” was back and had caught me off-guard with another attack. He came in suddenly, and just took over. I had to call “Face” back, and the battle began anew. Each time “Beezlebub” would make another attack, the battle would be more intense than the previous battle. I had to be more vigilant in keeping my focus on “Face” and lending him my faith energy.
The Battle Moves Into My Reality
Let me just fill in a few gaps. While this battle was happening in the dream world of my mind; in my life as a child, I was also being attacked. I think I mentioned in a previous post in this series, the fact that my throat was closing up.
Let me explain. My throat was literally closing up. I woke up one night, struggling to breathe. Fumbling into my parent’s room, I tried to tell my father that I couldn’t breathe while gasping for air. I think I was about 8 when this happened.
If I laid down, I couldn’t take in any air at all and would struggle to sit up, just so I could breathe. My parents took me to the emergency room where I was given a shot to open my throat and air passages.
That’s all I remember about it. I’m not sure exactly what the problem was, but I was plagued with throat problems from that time, until finally in my early 20’s my tonsils were removed.
The Bridge Between Worlds
Meanwhile, the war in the dreamscape was still going on, and the landscape changed in my life yet again. I don’t know the exact point in which the dreamscape had crossed the bridge to invade my reality. I just know that it happened.
However, I’m not referring to typical things that happen to kids with their peers in school. There were other experiences too numerous to go into here, that indicated that the attacks weren’t over.
The Sanctuary Attack
I specifically recall sitting in church one day, in my early teens; watching my parents singing in the choir. Our church at that time was a Baptist church.
I remember seeing my mother keeping a watchful eye on our antics in the pews, and giving us “the look,” if we appeared to be anything but model children. My mother’s biggest fear was to be embarrassed by something we did.
Now, I don’t remember exactly what the hymn of the moment was. I just remember watching the choir, and then suddenly, everything went black. I didn’t know what happened. All of a sudden, I was in the blackness and the viny veins were all around me.
Where was the church? How had I gotten here? I had no clue, but now, here I was in the dream realm in the middle of church of all things. I couldn’t see anyone around me. All I saw was blackness.
Caught Off Guard
I can’t even tell you if I could still hear them singing. The battle had already begun. Beezlebub never even did his customary intro declaration. He had just attacked me, openly, IRL (in real life) and without warning. How had he escaped the dream realm to attack me like this? And where were my brothers? Were they safe?
It was totally unexpected and quite shocking. I remember closing my eyes and clawing at them because I couldn’t believe this could be real. I wasn’t sleeping. I was in church! The one place where I should have been safe, yet, it had happened within those hallowed walls!
How (the hell) was I to escape this? No one even knew about it. There was nothing I could do, but gird myself for battle. After all, I had fought him off before. Just because he had entered my reality, didn’t mean that my method of fighting him had to change. The only thing that changed was location, location, location.
The Battle Plan
By this time, “Face” and I had a familiar plan of attack. It was tested, tried and true. So I called him. As usual, he appeared immediately…no wait time. Our relationship was established.
I realized later that it was Jesus who had been with me the whole time throughout this ordeal. We fought off the enemy and soon, I was out of the blackness of the pit, and back in the reality of the church. The attacks didn’t stop there, though.
I remember at about 15, being out jogging with my father. It happened then too. Honestly, I don’t know how I didn’t fall while jogging, because I couldn’t see anything but the blackness when he attacked.
Portal To The Dream World
I don’t know if I can say that he came from the dream realm into my reality, or if they sucked me from my reality into the dream realm. All I know is that the attack happened again; “Face” and I met it together, overcame it, and life returned to normal.
This sort of incident began happening with regularity in my reality. It was no longer just a dream. The scary monsters were gone. The battles commenced, and “Face” was at my side, fighting through them all with me.
Commitment Beats Faith In Form Only
My parents attended church, but it’s not like we did family bible studies, or I saw them praying over us or together. I didn’t see it lived out through them, so I can’t say that I had a sterling example of living the Christian life; and eventually, my parents divorced anyways.
The open incidents and attacks in my reality increased from that point forward until I reached the age of 26 when it completely stopped. Like I said, I never told anyone about it until I told my ex’s mom. However, I’m convinced that the attacks stopped because at that age, I re-committed myself to the Lord.
At that point, I was truly “saved,” and those particular attacks from the dream realm stopped altogether.